The Most Awkward Moments in my Building Elevator

I have been in DC for about a month now. The city is great, the team is even better, but I can't say the same about my new neighbors. It has got to the point where I cringe every time I enter the building wondering who I am going to awkwardly converse with next. At first I thought it was just a fluke. Maybe I talked to one weird guy and that was the end of it. But I kid you not, every encounter I have had so far has ended in a painfully awkward disaster. I immediately knew I had to start documenting this. Here are a couple of my favorite ones so far. 

1. During my first few days in the new building, I was using the gym down in the basement that hasn't been updated since 1975. After I finish, I get in the elevator and there is a woman walking in from the garage so I hold the door and she comes in with me. Without even a second of silence, she takes one look at me and borderline SCREAMS, "Don't ever stop working out....or this will happen," slapping her stomach that made the most repulsive, loudest echoing noise I've ever heard (exaggeration). I was appalled, panicked, and just giggled and said "Okay." How do you even respond to that? Then she starts telling me that she had to quit high school track because she had planters fasciitis and that "it was all downhill from there." I told her I'm sorry that happened to her and ran out of the elevator.

2. A couple days later I got into the elevator to go down and head out for morning practice. It had been a long week of preseason, but I was feeling good and rested after an afternoon off and a fabulous nights sleep. A middle aged man who looked like a pelican (click here to see a pelican) gets in with me and says hello. He double takes me and says, "Wow, you look really tired are you ok?" I am not kidding. This man who looks like he hasn't slept in 10 years told me that I looked like shit, when I thought I looked the best I had all week. I just said, "ya, I'm just really tired," to try to brush it under the rug and move on. But I wasn't tired at all. I even put CC cream on that morning and I never do that. Again, sprinted out of the elevator. 

3. This is the best one yet. It was laundry day. The wash room is down in the basement. It was my last and final trip back up to my room with all my clean clothes. I shoved them all in a trash bag because I'm a lazy peasant and don't feel like buying a laundry basket. I see a guy waiting at the elevator already. He just gave me one of those bad feelings where I knew he wanted to chat. We both get in the elevator. I haven't made eye contact with him since the initial creepy smile I got. I lean my trash bag of laundry up against the elevator wall as we start to go up so my head can face the wall. We get not more than one floor up and I feel a TAP on my shoulder. At first I was like there's no way. There is no way that this man just touched my damn shoulder. Sure enough, I turn around and he's smiling at me and says "Are you shy?" I kind of gave him a look like "Are you crazy?" And if you ask any of my closest friends, this look is deadly. It hurts TO YOUR CORE. I replied and said "No, I'm just tired." And then he said "No you are very shy, what is your name?" I said my name was Sam and hauled ass to my room.

4. TODAY. The fire alarm went off in the building. I was leaving anyways to go out for coffee and window shop; my usual game day routine. I know your not supposed to take the elevator in times of emergency but YOLO. A women with a large, baggy denim coat and slippers gets in. Her hair was sticking out in all sorts of directions like a mad scientist. She immediately starts babbling.... "We shouldn't be taking the elevator. I hope we don't get in trouble. Do you know if this is a real fire or not? I'm not even dressed. They would never do a drill on a Saturday. The last time this happened it was an old person who left their burner on." Now I don't know if she even wanted me to respond or if she was just talking to herself. It seemed like she just liked hearing herself talk so I let her multiple personalities figure it out and didn't say A WORD. When we got out to the lobby it looked like a crowded monkey cage. Everyone was hoarding in groups trying to figure out what was going on. I looked around and realized that, unfortunately, I'm actually one of the more normal behaving people in the apartment community- and I'm a sociopath, so the landlords have a huge f***** problem on their hands. 

Mom, don't worry. These people are harmless. Love you.