Bachelor Cheat Sheet: Week 1

Nick’s day of reckoning is finally upon us. They’re saying, "the fourth times the charm,” and last night is the first time we got a glimpse of the girls vying for the serial runner-up’s heart.

You gotta give it to him though. He’s the guy who got cut over and over again because he was too sensitive, too nice, and too vulnerable. Missing the killer instinct.  But after Bachelor in Paradise, he dug deep and found his dark side. After getting a sniff that he was in the running to be the next Bachelor, he IMMEDIATELY sent his Paradise fling Jen Saviano down the river and sold his soul to get to the top.

We apologize for being a day late, but Kristie and I were so appalled by some of the entrances and contestants behavior, we decided we had to watch the episode twice before putting together our WEEK 1 BACHELOR CHEAT SHEET:

1)   Why Nick annoyed us this week.

The meeting between the four Bachelors at the beginning was absolutely preposterous. The pep talk for an "incredibly tough" 3 months of dating 30 women on all-expense paid vacations... on what planet is that incredibly tough? You wanna know what’s “incredibly tough,” Nick? The beep test. Cutting out white bread. Or maybe the thousands of REAL problems REAL people deal with every day who haven’t had the luxury of making the past three years of their life a fantasy filled with fame, drama, and beautiful women. And you still managed to cry 17 times in that window. YOU'RE ON VACATION. Suck it up.

2)   Early frontrunners

a.     Danielle L.- She’s a drop-dead gorgeous business owner who above all, was one of the few girls who was not annoying.

b.     Vanessa- Normally we’d peg someone who spoke that many languages in one video as a bit of a showoff. Yet we have to admit she’s a beautiful, extremely intelligent woman who we are jealous of because we struggled to pass level two Spanish in high school.

c.      Alexis (Shark Girl)- Love the heat Alexis brought early. We never thought we’d live to see the day where the core values of the two most entertaining shows of our time, the Bachelor and Jersey Shore, could fit inside of one person.

3)   Least favorites

a.     Corinne- Where do we start? With the fact that she summoned her nanny to bring her a bowl of cucumbers? If you're gonna be enough of an asshole to put your “nanny” bringing you food on TV with the world watching, at least make it something worth eating, like buffalo chicken.
Or what the fact that that she’s running a “multi-million dollar company” started by her father, yet she just happens to have four months to abandon it while she goes on national television to bring Nick Viall a bag of free hug tokens?
Or that in the season finale she makes the declaration that her “heart is gold but her (lady parts) are platinum” before breaking into Nick’s hotel room like a lunatic. We don't think anything we have to say here will clear Sam's "appropriate filter." (This is Sam editing. You're lucky I didn't delete the whole paragraph.)

b.     Josephine—Her intro video talking to all the animals was bizarre, and her entrance making Nick eat the raw hot dog was even worse. At a minimum she had diarrhea as soon as she got into the house. 

c.      The girl from the wedding—If you already met Nick at a mutual friend’s wedding, didn’t take his phone number, and didn’t speak to him for nine months after, you OBVIOUSLY want nothing to do with him.  I’m all for stirring the pot, but production trying to play the card that she all of a sudden wants another chance is a new low, even for them. Chris Harrison walking up to Nick after he saw her like “You're looking at her kind of funny,” as if he had no idea what was going on, is exactly the card I play when someone is about to tell me a secret I already know even though I'm not supposed to. 

4)   Bonus Round: Most aggressive Entrances

a.     Bringing Neill Lane out to show Nick your favorite engagement ring.

b.     "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.”

c.      The maple syrup incident: If your gonna stick your finger into Nick’s mouth to have him try your maple syrup, make sure its a steady hand and not shakin' around all over the place cutting his gums. 

d.     We’ve already addressed the Josephine hotdog situation.