Waste of the Month: Apple Watch

I’m a total sucker for the latest fad. Show me the latest “cool thing” to buy or do and I’m diving in head first. I think I hit rock bottom last year when I spent nearly two monthly car payments thinking that drinking exorbitant amounts of green juice would would make me as fit as Heather O’Reilly in two weeks.

My latest mistake? Buying an Apple Watch. I admit, it was the commercials that got me. Here's why the Apple Watch was my biggest waste of money this month.

1. It bosses me around.
I know the cliche thing to say here is, “Who does my apple watch think he/she is telling me to 'STAND UP'?” While this is definitely very true, this is may be the one aspect of the apple watch I actually don’t have a problem with. I do watch too much TV. I could get out more. It’s actually nice to have my Apple Watch remind me when I’m being a piece of you-know-what. 

Want to know what I don’t have tolerance for though? When my Apple Watch tells me to, “Breathe.” Maybe this is good for a hippie like Sam, but it’s not for me. I hate hot yoga. My makeup remover isn’t hommeade. I don’t make paleo banana muffins and I love creatine. I’m not a mindful breather. Stop trying to make me into something I’m not.

2. It displays your texts for the world to see. If there’s a feature to not have the actual content of your text pop up on your watch, please let me know ASAP.  I had my watch on Do Not Disturb, and to my misfortune, my mother had been reading my texts with someone I’ve been seeing during our entire lunch. I looked up and she was DYING LAUGHING saying, “When do I get to meet him?” @Apple, there’s not a better way to get me to turn against your company than to give my mother the keys to a thousand questions I don’t want to have to answer for until I'm at least 27.

3. It pressures you into doing unwanted favors for other people. I was sitting at a coffee shop the other day and there was a girl next to me who was staring straight ahead, solving a Rubix cube over and over again without looking at it. Kind of weird, but also makes her kind of a beast. She sees me fiddling with my apple watch and goes, “Excuse me, is there any way you could time me for like 20 seconds?”

It’s not her fault, its mine. You wanna walk around flaunting a mini computer on your wrist at a coffee shop, don’t go crying when you’re the new official Starbucks Rubix Cube referee. Anyways, because Apple Watches suck and the buttons are too small, I missed the stop button when she slammed the cube down on the table and yelled “DONE” at a completely inappropriate volume, like a psycho. I was about 4 seconds late.

I reported her inaccurate time of 26 seconds, and she abruptly picked up her things and left after telling me that’s impossible because she “hasn’t been over 25 seconds since high school.” Getting scolded by a Rubix Cuber was the last piece of information I needed to officially declare my Apple Watch a waste. Buyers beware.

You might think I made that story up to finish my article on a good note, but you can ask Sam, it literally happened and I called her right away. She didn't exactly feel sorry for me and she reminded me that having an Apple Watch is a privilege. Oh yeah, Sam? Why don't you start doing favors for ungrateful strangers and then call me and tell me it's a privilege?