I'm an Airport Isolationist

Lately I've been having major issues with any kind of logistical compromise. The level of frustration I experience when I’m not allowed to just do my angry bull power walk from task to task at a speed that inconveniences everyone around me is going to present me with a lot of issues later in life. 

This issue seems to be at its worst when I’m traveling with other people. Why? Let’s look at a few examples from when Kristie, Sam, and I were traveling two weeks ago.

1) Between my ADHD finance brain and my abundance of fast twitch muscle fibers, I could go to the Olympics for speed at the kiosk that gives you your boarding pass. Kristie: I don’t want to wait for you to poke your way through yours, and if you ask me what our confirmation code is I’ll have to actively resist the urge to tabletop you with my suitcase.

2) I also have an uncanny ability to make a break for it and sneak into the first class priority lines while the attendants aren’t looking. There’s only one problem though; with each additional person in your party, your chances exponentially decrease of getting through. You have to lurk innocently by the entrance, wait for the attendant to check an aloof travelers boarding pass, and bolt through so quickly that when they see you out of the corner of their eye they tell themselves they don’t want to deal with that kind of intensity.

While Kristie was looking at god knows what on her REVOLVE fashion app, I went for it without telling her. I made a point not to tell her I was doing it, because I knew it’d result in a minimum of three follow up questions no person should be objected to before 8 a.m. So per usual I sneak through no problem before she even looks up. Subtle as a bull in a China shop, she shouts “STEPH! That’s the first class line” as if it were an accident. Needless to say, I was removed and we had to wait a half an hour.

3) Finally, I believe boarding groups are suggestions, not rules. This is a tough concept to teach our beloved Samantha, who we met after we got through security because she gets to the airport early enough to hand-knit her own Birkenstocks.

As soon as they’re done calling first class I sneak right to the front of the line for group 2 so I can be the first regular passenger on the plane. We are in group four. Sam hasn’t had time to criticize me yet because she’s still in shock at the audacity of my plan. Because she’s so much taller than her cohorts, when I looked back I could see her eyes were glazed over with panic. A screenshot of her expression would read that I was doing something so outrageously illegal that if caught, my punishment would be 30 years to life in Guantanamo Bay.

The results? I’m the first one on the plane, no drama, no problem. My strategy? When you walk up to the scanner, put the boarding pass face down yourself. Your confidence will throw them off, they’ll assume you’ve done this before, and 90% of the time they won’t question you. If they do, start profusely apologizing in a continuous talking but yelling voice: “OH MY GOD I’M LITERALLY SO SORRY I DON’T FLY THAT MUCH AND I MUST HAVE GOTTEN CONFUSED.” Unless the attendant is evil, they will say something like, “oh that’s okay sweetie don’t worry about it!”

Sam and Kristie, was it fun having your bag gate-checked because their was no overhead space left? Next time I’m booking my own flight.