For those of you who missed it, Kristie and I did a Bachelor recap Monday night, where we'd go on Instagram live every commercial break and discuss the shenanigans from the previous segment.
We figured this week we'd try that instead of writing our "Bachelor Cheat Sheet," for something new and more engaging. BOY WERE WE WRONG. Via twitter we've been getting absolutely THRASHED for our failure to honor the Bachelor Cheat Sheet commitment. And you know what? Shame on me. How dare I. Especially after the show Corinne put on this week. Like I said, I'm a blue collar blogger. Ask and you shall receive. I give the people what they want. I apologize for the complacency delay. Here we go.
What's new with Nick:
As if his first date with Danielle wasn't uncomfortable enough, ABC prefaced it with a bizarre scenario in which Nick met his parents in a coffee shop. Within 15 minutes of sitting down, he and his mother started crying for no apparent reason other than "the prospect of him finding love." I don't know what is a better example of the fact that Nick's love life has had a rough go of it: 1) That his mom cries at even the PROSPECT of him falling in love, not him actually finding someone. Or 2) The fact that his dad didn't speak a word the entire time until the end, when he just hit Nick with one of the all time great lines: "I just don't want you to be on this show anymore."
On the rise:
Raven: Raven was already one of my dark horses. Her accent just makes me happy you know? I wasn't like she's definitely gonna win but I was like wow, she's really cool. That's until I found about the UFC fight that took place when she caught her ex hooking up with someone else. The more timid person gets a call from their friend that their boyfriend is cheating, calls him until he answers, and breaks up with him. The average person maybe walks into the house, catches him, screams at him, and breaks up with him. But the legends, the bold, the fearless? They get right in there, start throwing Amanda Nunes style haymakers at the woman, and then attack the boyfriend with one of her stilletos. Look out Bachelor Nation. Raven is here to stay.
Corinne, Corinne, Corinne:
Kristie and I are in agreement that Corinne is starting to get pretty funny. Her bitchy one liners are just so world class snobby that she HAS to be doing it on purpose to make a mockery of this whole thing. We also decided that in reality, Corinne isn't that different from us athletes at all. Here's why:
1) "Sorry for napping." You know what Corinne, you're right. You shouldn't have to apologize for napping. Sleep is the single most important component of recovery. How is Corinne gonna be able to keep up with her motivational speeches to the girls about 'pushing through the interruptions' if she's a zombie? How is she gonna be able to pin Nick down in a bouncy house and make out with him if her muscles aren't properly rested? Corinne needs to be sharp. Just like Michael Jordan. Just like Abraham Lincoln. That's why she referenced them. Jordan napped for NBA championships. Lincoln napped to unify a nation. Corinne napped to be the champion of girl fights and get engaged to the three-time bachelor loser. Same process, different- but equally important- results.
2) She pulls herself out when she knows she's injured. While all of the other girls were shoveling poop, Corinne left the farm to sit on a rock because "she couldn't feel her hands." This was the overwhelmingly correct decision. If you're hurt, you can't play. Case in point. Corinne can't afford to injure her hands. How else could she drag Nick into the bouncy house? She knows entire plan would be foiled.
"I respect those who were shoveling poopie, but if my hands are losing circulation I'm not gonna let them sit there and fall off" -Corinne Olympios
"Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence wins championships." -Michael Jordan
"Whatever you are, be a good one." -Abraham Lincoln