I've said it before in the Ragamuffin Diaries- I'm a bootstraps guy. Just a blue collar, bleed for the company, haven't taken a sick day in years, kind of Sporting Chic employee with one goal: to give the people what they want.
So here I am, kicking off 2017 with what has become the undying request of our readers for reasons I'm struggling to understand- make Emily Sonnett a woman crush.
I saw Emily most recently when she came to Boston to visit Sam, Kristie, and I for the weekend. She also is hot off of a trip to Miami where she provided us with an SI Swimsuit/Cosmopolitan-worthy spread of just tantalizing, I-can't-believe-she's-real photos. While I have known Emmy for five years and have boatloads of material to choose from proving why she's the most eligible southern belle in the NWSL, I don't think we need to look much further than the evidence Emily has provided us with in these two instances.
So here we go... Why @emilysonnet is our crush, your crush, everyone's crush.
1) She is both funny and talented on social media
Emily recently graduated from the University of Virginia with a degree in humorous photoshop. Her ability to recreate action shots with drawings/clipart stickers into popular Instagrams/Tweets is second to none in the women's professional game. Looking for a girl who can shut-down-defend and then add a pizza to the picture of herself doing it later? Look no further than Sonnett, who was recently honored for her work on a plumber's crack tweet in Rio by The Daily Mail.
2) The SHUT MY MOUTH SLAP YOUR GRANDMA Miami photos
If the Kardashians were in Miami for New Year's Eve, you wouldn't know it. Media outlets everywhere are flooded with the newly released album of Emily Sonnett's beach bod. I went to CVS to buy toilet paper yesterday and her bikini bod spread was all over the Inquirer. But I guess my question is, are you surprised? You don't get hips like Shakira and the quickness of a bunny without V-muscles that make jaws drop and traps that block your ears.
PS. I would like to publicly challenge Sonnett to a "Whose traps are bigger" contest, since mine barely fit in opening of the sink whenever I get my hair done.
3) She fit seamlessly into the Masshole culture both in the city and at the Patriots game
They say that looks fade, but personality lasts forever. I've never been more convinced that Emmy is a catch than after seeing how quickly she adjusted to the Bostonian culture. I knew she was gonna go far when I saw her sharing nacho cheese and Dunkin' hot chocolate with an elderly woman wearing a "Fire Goodell" shirt in the middle of the fourth quarter. There aren't many people who could hold their own on a four day visit up to our city, and leave with us thinking they were cooler than we previously thought. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT PEOPLE?
So there you have it. Follow @emilysonnett on Instagram. Slide into her DMs. Take her to dinner, a movie, or whatever you southern boys do. I don't know much about the dating culture down south, but I do know those obliques won't be on the market forever.