PSA: Before we get going I'd like to note in the past two days I've experienced more love and laughter than I have in a very long time. Thank you to my amazing parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends for making my life so awesome. I'm so grateful to have you all in my life.
That being said, we all know the outrageous things, like the van/party-bus hybrid that pulled up to my house at 8 am on Christmas Eve, filled with housewives, to take my mom and co. to a girls breakfast, is much more fun than the mushy stuff. So let's move on to McCaffrey Christmas Recap: THE GIFT INEQUALITY CONTINUES.
I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day for me when I walked downstairs and saw the three huge bags under the tree. At first glance I was excited because they were from Nordstrom. But as I walked closer and the blurry word "RACK" under the Nordstrom on the middle bag became clearer, I knew then and there it wasn't going to be a good day for me.
I didn't even have to look at the names. I knew it was mine. I could really call the post here. I don't need a better emblem for the gift inequality I experience year after year than this. The boys get Nordstrom, I get Nordstrom Rack. A clear-as-day picture of my mother's revenge for years and years of what she calls being "a terrible Christmas helper."
In my family we take turns opening gifts, so round after round I just get destroyed. Here were the most shocking comparisons, most of which took place against Mikey, the longstanding family favorite who would rather die than place a crooked ornament on the Christmas tree:
Round 1: Mikey (little brother) gets Power Beats in ear Head Phones.
Round 1: I get the $15 earbuds you buy at Hudson News at the airport when you forget yours.
**Mom's response: Stephie it says "great for athletes" in the bottom right corner. (Omg Really! I'm shocked Serena and Lebron endorse Beats instead of these since they're so great for athletes)
Round 2: Mikey gets Timberland leather waterproof boots
Round 2: I get a pair of Adidas sneakers (they were awesome) until I start to suspect they were ordered off my own athlete endorsement account
Round 3: Mikey gets Lululemon shorts and sweatpants
Round 3: I get an "adult" harry potter coloring book. (pictured below because at this point people probably think I'm exaggerating/lying)
Round 4: Mikey opens his Adult Coloring Book (Jungle Safari version)
Round 4: I open my Nordstrom Rack box, FIRED UP about the knee high black boots inside
DING DING! Finally, justice at last. It took four rounds of gifts, but I made it. Mikey got served with his version of my mom's bizarre Kindergarten throwback item, and I had the new pair of suede boots I'd been dying for. The principle of the boys getting Nordstrom and myself getting its less valuable sister store was behind me, because all in all, the final round had leveled things off...
I got up to leave I noticed my mom was DYING LAUGHING. Tears coming down her face. My least favorite child radar alarm was screaming. I knew it. For how bad I had been this year with my pre-Christmas messes, I knew round four was too good to be true.
I looked like Inspector gadget with rabies and a ponytail, rummaging through my presents looking for the source of my embarrassment. It didn't take long to realize I had completely and utterly been had. Look REAL CLOSE at the top right corner of that label and TELL ME YOU SEE IT. 9/2015!!!! She bought these last September, and sat unworn in her closet for over a year with tons of their other unworn designer friends. I don't know if she thought she'd get away with wrapping them 15 moths later, or was hoping I would discover it so she could make fun of me. I honestly think she would have been fine with either. Win-win.
Fair play to Mom on this one for setting herself up in this can't lose situation. But be forewarned that two can play this game and I have a full year to set my trap. You think the bathroom was dirty from bronzer on Christmas morning this year? Next year you can expect the Sahara desert. If you think the ornaments were crooked this year, next year I'll glue the tree upside-down and tie Mikey the perfect child to the stump. The opportunities are endless and the future is bright for team Ragamuffin.
Gina has said she wants a chance to officially respond to all of these posts about her Christmas abuse. While we wait, I told her I would publish her opening statement: "How would you deal with a child who in the month before Christmas, doesn't have time for anything but 'kicking around' and 'content'."
Can't wait to find out Gigi. It's on.