Ever heard of Hell Week in the special forces? Yeah, this is hell week for a Ragamuffin. To make matters worse, I’m kind of in a pinch right now. After the wisdom teeth video, I can’t really afford to post any more disgusting pictures of myself for a little while. Listen, I’m NOT condoning worrying about appearance. I’m a lot of things, but I think we can all agree being a Cosmo-reading, “OH MY GOD YOU GUYS MY ELBOW LOOKS SO WEIRD IN THIS PICTURE PLEASE DON’T POST THAT!” girl is not one of them. That being said, having divets of my chapped lips filled with dried blood from surgery was approaching the line of barbarism, so for my mother’s sake I’ve decided to reel it in for a couple of weeks.
That being said, I'm still cutting corners with my appearance wherever necessary. My general mindset: do whatever you have to do to survive without looking like an idiot. Here are some beauty hacks that get me looking somewhat presentable when times get tough.
1) Wear a big, lightweight scarf (to hide the fact your face is a different color than your neck)
I alluded to this in a tweet yesterday. Despite Kristie’s rambling of, “Steph, you gotta try this new spray tan. ITS AHHGANIC and blends into your skin,” I don’t have the time or money for these shenanigans. I have two tools for bronzing: my Lebanese ancestors and my Walgreens Covergirl dust pallet I picked up for $6.99 when I ran in to buy a toothbrush. The only thing in my organic budget is chicken and eggs, honey. Tanning's overrated. Dip your face into a bowl of bronzer like you're bobbing for apples in your bathroom sink, and then cover the evidence (pale neck) with a big scarf.
TIP: Make sure the scarf is LIGHT. Not heavy wool. You’re not gonna be able to take it off indoors because of #BronzerGate so be prepared to eat your buffalo chicken in it.
2) Curl three pieces of hair in the front on each side
In the winter when I’m pale, my hair is all I really have going for me. Basically the bigger and more distracting I can make the mammoth nest, the better. Yesterday, I posted a picture for Love Your Melon. It’s a hat company, so right away I recognized that I could use that to my advantage and only style 20% of my mop. Long story short, you take ten minutes curling the front three pieces of hair on each side, throw on the beanie, and hide the rest of the mess in the bun in the back. The bun is key, because if you leave it hanging it could leak onto your shoulders and expose you.
3) Lipstick paint-on app
Look, I’m not artistic. Kudos to those of you who are, but I’m currently having trouble staying between the lines of the ‘adult’ Harry Potter coloring book my mom got me for Christmas. I obviously don’t have lip liner, and I DEFINETELY do not have the coordination to apply the lipstick by myself. My hand looks like one of my mom’s friends trying to play pin the tail on the donkey after a few cosmos on a girls night.
So I’m gonna come clean. I never wear lipstick in real life. I have an app that literally just paints it on for you, perfectly, in whatever colors you want, at whatever brightness you want. And GUESS WHAT. It’s $1.99 for a lifetime supply. Save your money on buying actual lipsticks and lip liners and instead, invest in Sporting Chic merch t-shirts with Sam's face on it. This probably isn’t a good PR move for me, but this site is about the honest lifestyle of an athlete so here I am. Sucks to suck, Sephora.